My Friend Thinks I Can Beat Up Shaq

My iChat camera "magically" started working again (thank you, auto security-updates). Does anyone else get freaked out when machines fix themselves?

Imagine waking up, and not being able to see (in this case, the computer cannot display video), and, instead of asking for assistance, you determine how to optically enable yourself. Cyborg shit!

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I fired up the video-chat feature, and began "cyber-hanging" with my cyber-buddy, Dave. We were cyber-talking about how large athletes have gotten, and how neither of us could survive a fight with assorted, named professionals.

All of a sudden, he tells me he thinks I can "beat up Shaq." What? Seriously? That guy is 13 inches taller, and outweighs me by 135 lbs. So, basically, he's the size of two people melted into one giant, singularly-coordinated individual, who dunks basketballs for money, and loves hoop earrings.

I asked Dave for reasons why I would win in a fight versus Shaquille O'Neal. Here they are:

1. He raps, but "not really."
2. He drives a red Chevy Tahoe. (I asked him for proof, and he stated he helped load Shaq's newly-purchased drumset from Guitar Center.)
3. "He has soft hands."
4. Shaq has bodyguards that accompanied him to Guitar Center.
5. He's "strong and large." Dave then tried to explain why that would be bad for Shaq when going against:
6. My "quick karate." Yes, though he seemingly ignored the duration (10 months) and discipline (tae kwan do) of my martial arts training, Dave felt it was enough to take down an NBA veteran who plays "cop" for fun.