Suckers are for the Courageous

We always have candy at work. There is literally a treasure chest full of candy in I.T., and coworkers continually keep it stocked.

My department, Marketing, has it's own, smaller version, and it sits upon a bookshelf displaying everything from Tootsie Rolls to this fancy butter fudge (from Harrods) that my boss picked up in London.

Of all the assorted treats offered, you know what does not get eaten? Suckers.

Last week, someone poured a confectionery hodgepodge into a container, and everything but the suckers/lollipops were quickly scavenged. It took me a few days, but I figured out why no one was going after the lick-ems. (Please note: "lick-ems" is a term I just coined, and should probably never be used again.)

The reason, is that with regular candy, you eat it, enjoy it, and quickly forget that you just consumed—nutritionally speaking—crap. The Butterfinger, Snickers and KitKat go down with nothing more than a "Mmmmmm."

With suckers, you have to work for the pleasure. Every flick of the tongue reminds you that what you're ingesting is mostly sugar and high-fructose corn syrup (which is just ultra-sugar). No one feels like giving themselves a complex, so we stay away from the speared candy.

Remember that the next time you see someone enjoying a lollipop. Walk up, look straight in their eyes, and say, "You sir/madam, have balls."

Spammers See Open-rates Drop When Mentioning Britney Spears Naked

That was my first attempt at an Onion-esque headline.

Enter the Primate

I was at the wild animal park the other day with my girlfriend and her 'rents. We made sure to go see the gorillas, 1) because they are awesome, and 2) because they look like people, and that freaks everyone out a bit...especially persons who are creationists.

Aren't gorillas massive? If you click on the picture, you can see that the forearms on the hairy beast are nearly as big as his thighs; very strong. Grown males are usually 320-500 lbs, and are only 5'5" - 5'9" tall; real meat-wagons.

That got me thinking: If we (humans) didn't have all these weapons, and if gorillas learned to band together (these are big "ifs," I know), would the apes beat us senseless? I don't want to go all Michael Crichton's Congo on you, but I doubt we could handle their brute force.

Then I thought, who could beat a gorilla if they had to fight hand-to-hand combat style? Which of course, led me to this hypothetical question:

Would Bruce Lee win a cagefight against a silverback gorilla?

The Morbidly Obese Wear Extremely Tight Watches with Leather Bands

This is simply an observation of mine.

In the Year 2000

Down the road (pun intended), I bet we have the technology to make your car whatever color you want, whenever you want. Just press a button, turn a dial...wait...I take that back; if we have the ability to change the color that easily, I'm going to go out on a limb that we also control this through some sort of voice-recognition system.

There would be so many great things you can do with a feature like that. Think about it, man! You could change the color:

• Right after you've robbed a bank
  
• So it's your grandma's favorite color
• While you are parked at a girl's house other than your girlfriend's
• To match the road so government helicopters can't see you from the air
• So it doesn't look as dirty
  
• To impress your friends or lovers
• So many times, that you get tired of it, and just leave it white or silver