Where I Become a Crisis Counselor

About a year ago, I created a fake MySpace page for Tim Allen. Yes, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. I know of no other.

I thought it would be funny: I'd round up some less-publicity-looking pictures, paraphrase some information from Wikipedia and IMDB, and try not to be too cool.

Well, it worked, and by "worked" I mean that I was getting friend requests left and right. Some were just B.S. people who try and add anyone they can, but the majority were honest-to-goodness fans who had nothing but great things to say about Home Improvement, Western Michigan University, and The Santa Clause (1 and 2).

But, surprisingly, the running theme in fans' messages were in regards to Tim's dealing with drug/alcohol problems.

This is where I may have acted irresponsibly.

I would reply to these messages, and tell them about my (Tim's) struggles, how I persevered, fought my demons, conquered the beast, etc. These people would go so far as to tell me how their child committed suicide, they ended up divorcing their spouse, and the only way they were coping was through abuse of OxyContin and/or Percocet. These issues were more touchy than the episode where Jonathan Taylor Thomas tries to date the daughter of the owner of Binford Tools!

Now, before you hate me, know that I always sent positive replies, and was never mean or dishonest (save the fact that I was pretending to be a television actor who gave Pam Anderson her big break).

In the end, the MySpace account suddenly stopped working. I have no idea what happened, but I blame Wilson.

I'll Make the World's Smallest Thanksgiving Pie

Had a company-wide meeting yesterday. Those are alway a blast, eh? They (executives) decided to switch things up; let's all play some wuzzles (word puzzles, natch). You might remember these things from grade school (click here for an example). I know I did.

Suffice to say, the team I was on dominated (barely). You know what we won? Yep. A choice between the world's smallest box of raisins, or the world's smallest miniature-pumpkins. I took a pumpkin; you can eat them just as easy! Suckers — I never get shortchanged.

Don't Worry - the Seeds Contain Only a Tiny Amount of Cyanide

I used to be in the military. It was not awesome. One of my co-workers (co-airmen?), in addition to having extremely long arms (practically to his knees), loved to eat bananas and apples. Daily, he'd eat two bananas, one apple.

"That's not so weird," you're thinking, "I eat bananas and apples all the time, and I love them both equally!" You are right; that isn't weird. What is weird is that he wouldn't peel the bananas, and he would eat the entire apple. Yeah. I know. WTF? He ate the stem, seeds, peel, etc. He called it "fiber," I called it "disgusting."